God has moved my manna. Just as the story of the Israelites in Exodus 16, God had moved the source of provision from the wilderness to the Promised Land. 

It’s been a season of discontentment and disappointments. My mind is stuck on the past and is on repeat. I had stayed in the dessert though the manna has moved. Things has not been the way I want them to be and I find myself complaining to God.

 This season provided me a space to be unrushed from the doing and forces me to deal with my stuffed emotions. Little did I realize that my being busy was my coping mechanism from truly dealing with what is inside.

By doing more, I push off unwanted feelings and unaddressed emotions. In the midst of understanding the depth of my loss and expressing languages of grief, old wounds were brought to light. It's a difficult and taxing process.

Transparency and vulnerability are two very different things. I am transparent in sharing past struggles and lessons that I’ve learnt from them, but I never let people in when I am weak. Maybe that is why I appear so put up together. My perfectionism tries to hide away my lingering dissatisfaction of my flaws. 

During this time of grief, I learn that sitting in the pain and not rushing the process is hard but necessary. It requires me to trust before belief comes. It requires me to pray in reality and not in fantasy.

I am not okay. And it is okay to not be okay. 
That it is okay to not always be that outwardly excited, on-fire, “God is good all the time” kind of Christian. That I don't have to find the silver lining behind every cloud. And that it is okay for me to be angry and raw with Him, admitting that I am failing in my faith and am doubting His goodness. God can handle my doubts and angers. I know that I am being trained to see God in the complexity of His character.  

Maturity is when we choose God even when things don’t go the way we want them to be. To love him still and know He is good regardless of our circumstances. To find joy and strength in the Giver, not the gifts. 

It was when I acknowledge the full measure of my grief that true comfort comes. It was in acknowledging where I am at right now and having an open arms to what God wants to reveal that great healing, and often..great repentance come. In my honesty to God, He came as my comforter. I too had to repent of my sinful pride that had hindered me from asking help from people. The God of all comfort is teaching me to open myself to the present of presence of a community. 

It was relieving to know that God is gracious in my time of wandering. Giving me spade before I learn to pick up the battle sword again. This does not mean that I have to stay at my grieving all the time. I too have to learn the art of picking or laying down my feelings, fitting to the circumstances.

I know God has moved the manna. Seasons change and I have to choose to move forward. For everything about the Christian life is about moving forward. This season of my life, He is bringing freedom from old wounds and am leading me to my Promised Land. Thus, I choose to be content where I am at, to pause and reflect on what He wants to reveal and trust the process of His leading

Where is God in your struggle now?  Are you staying where the manna has moved?

X,
Tam