It was 2 AM. I am still restless in my bed. My body was tired yet my mind was racing with to-do lists of tomorrow. “I have 3 people to meet this week”, “I would need to finish this proposal”, “I can fix this with….” and so and so. These past few nights my sleep has been disturbed by thoughts of ministry. I was doing a million different things all at once. 

I knew I needed a heart-check to see if ministry is taking the place of God in my life. I invited friends to ask me deeper questions. But the truth is, I could still conceal my true heart condition through my answers. Ultimately I am the only one who knows my heart deep down.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
  See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting. ”
                                                         - Psalm 139:23-24

I was disillusioned, thinking that if my ministry or program is successful, then I will truly feel accomplished. I was anxious most times at the outcome of my programs. My ambition was unbridled, complemented with a splatter for prestige and honor. My intimacy with God had diminished and I had rationalized it as the price I had to pay for ministerial deeds. 

During these times, God reminded me of his questions to Peter. I am imagining myself, in the place of Peter (John 21:15), on the beachside getting back from a successful fishing day and Jesus asking me, “Tamara, do you love me more than these?” What would I say, in return? Do I love God more than my plans, dream, calling, and ministry?

Ministry is addictive. It is easy to “start in the Spirit and end in the flesh (Gal 3:3)”.The command to love can easily be replaced with the desire to please.

Ministry success can be the lesser loves that tugs me away from beholding Christ.

Now that I had identified my slip-ups, the egocentrism in my motivation, what do I do? Do I wallow in self-pity and guilt? No! Christ calls us to not wait, instead to run and embrace Him. Like Peter, though He denied Christ as the Son of God to a little girl three times before the rooster crows, at the mention that Jesus is alive, He rushed in to meet Him. 

“His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;the LORD delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.” - Psalm 147:10-11

God is more concerned about the state of our heart more than what we can accomplish for Him. Brennan Manning says, "Apart from Christ, our alleged virtues are but brilliant vices." The only pre-eminence of the Christian community is the answer to the question: “Do you love me?”. Having great leadership or brilliant oratory skills are secondary to having a soul that is consumed by the passion for God. If authority is given, it must be based on the love of Jesus. Then and only then will Jesus and the Word be “the lamp unto our feet and the light unto our path.” 

Following Christ’s prayer to God the Father “Let Your will, not my will be done”, we pray not for our plans to unfold but for God’s plan to be revealed.

Take the world, and give me Jesus,

Tam