I wanted to run away from my calling. it has been an extremely difficult journey that constantly humbles me to my knees.

Fear has taken a grip on me. The fear is not fearing personal failure as it once had been. It’s the fear of risking the livelihood of 30 other people in the team. I told my best friend, I wanted to quit, I’d just take a job at Google or something—wanting to evade the responsibility of failing. It was the inner voice of shame. She listened intently, and said, “Nothing’s easy. Giving up never makes things easier.”

When things are rough, the easy way out is to quit. Especially when you are trying to trailblaze new paths or is doing something new for the first time, you face immense pressure to do things well. Yet quitting, our hearts know well, may not be the best decision. If you relate with me, these are 3 things to hold on to when you want to quit your calling.

1. The Posture: Go to God for everything

Playing a front-facing role as the CEO, whenever there Is a problem, I’m the first to risk-manage with customers. If you understand a people pleaser, you know how difficult that is. At the height of my fear, I had a series of panic attacks. Sharon, my gal pal, reminded me of Jehoshapat, King of Judah, who was being attacked on all sides by bigger armies. He confessed: “For we are powerless before this great multitude who are coming against us: nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you” (2 Chron 20:12). God reminded Jehoshaphat, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. Take up your position, stand firm, and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.” If you read the full chapter, you would marvel at the posture of Jehoshaphat who led the people to praise God in the midst of the battle. He inquired God before the battle, praised God in the battle, and God fought for him. It seems oppositions come into our lives so that the power of God may be displayed gloriously for all people. So should our posture be—to go to God for everything.

There is a new way of conducting and leading when we commit to leading like Jesus. This ‘Going to God’ for everything. To ask Him how to manage the team. What business partnership to take. What to prioritize. How transparent and open we are to admitting our mistakes. We go to God to receive His love. A leader can only give and love as much as they are receiving that love from God. And we will see how we will be a better lover for others in our team.

Whatever successes, we don’t let that get into our head lest we forget about God. Nor whatever failures, should not cripple us and make us stop pursuing God’s dream in us. All the pain, rather, it should bring me to my knees every single day. God is teaching that without real dependency on God, we can’t do it.

2. The Task: Serve everyone humbly and faithfully

We have certain criteria and stereotypes of what a leader should do, look, or sound like. But leadership is not the most articulate or the loudest or the smartest. At 23 years young, Lord knows, I have many leadership insecurities and incompetencies—I don’t know how to command a room and give direction and criticism, how to be bold, how to best prioritize and focus. The more I try to frantically grasp control, the more things fall out. When I loosen the grip and focus on serving others—doing my part with what is in front of me—things then begin to fall into place.

Every year, God grows me to reach and serve more and more people. Leadership is different from management. Leadership is a life of service, a constant journey of self-sacrifice and humility. What looks like a “demotion” in the world, is a “promotion in the kingdom.” We are called not to be bossier towards people. But it’s a journey of ‘less of me, more of YOU”. The you keep growing. More of God. More of my partners. More of my customer. More of my team.

3. The Attitude: In Partnership with God

Without a doubt, as the business is growing, it has been most challenging year mentally. I displayed all signs of high functioning anxiety. What others see as hardworking is actually my fear of failure. I was overachieving in all aspects, fearing being unworthy. I was motivated because I feel guilty taking time off. God needed to expand my capacity and my view. He needed to stretch me.

1 kings 4:29, “God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the seashore.

As God gave Solomon largeness of heart, God desires to give us largeness of heart because we are not large enough today o fight tomorrow’s battles. Essentially, God need to increase the capacity of our heart and soul — the capacity for wisdom, pain, stress, turmoil, compassion, generosity, and love.

Being an entrepreneur, you are anxious most times. We will arrive to the same outcome of failure or success. But how are we going to get there? Are we going it in partnership with god or partnership with fear? - Jessica Honneger, the founder of Noonday Collective

Our usual response to fear is paralysis. We are afraid of failing that ended up stopping altogether. So we focus on today. But God will continue to grow us until we are there. So when He stretches us, accept it, don’t grumble nor develop bad habits. Learn and go to prayer with it. Develop intimacy with God—that way, we develop a larger spirit and a bigger perspective. Then success will be possible…because God gives us an increase in capacity to increase our seed to build His Kingdom.

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My dad, seeing how stressed and frustrated I always is at home, asked me, “Do you want to quit?” I said no. Now I know, I won’t quit when it gets hard. The reason it may be unbearably hard may have been because I relied too much on my own power. What gives is hard, but with Him, I know He will always pull me and see me through.

God is my CEO.

There is no more leaving, it’s no longer just a job, it is life with. Now that relationship has been hugely invested in the business, all our lives are interconnected. Though there are many many challenges, it’s this Life With and Life Together that gives the fuel of joy, purpose, and deep friendship.

All my love,

Tam