It was a time of my life when I was struggling with a lot of personal and relational stuffs. And the ones who left me in my lowest: those I speak in platforms with, those who went to Bible school with, and those who know theology the most.

Where was church when I needed them? My requests for help fell on deaf ears.Here is where I show up every Sunday to. Here is where I had been involved in the mercy ministry. Where I attend care group. And rather than showing grace to walk with me, I was met with "get your life together and see you again this Sunday".

How can the Church drive you away when you are stumbling in your sins, instead of walking with you in the messiness of your faith?

My ministry has always been outside the four walls of the church--I preach, I evangelize, and I set up care for the poor, and for broken women. And for me to think, in what capacity can I serve in this church, if i am not given the flexibility and platforms to maximize my gifts.

So I left.
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I grew up knowing religion. My mom would sit with us on a Sunday mass, whilst dad driving us and picking us up after. I grew up in the Christian bubble—from middle school to a Bible College. I oved my college---these were some of the most amazing, compassionate, and Jesus-loving people I've ever met in my whole life. I was growing, I was nurtured, and I belonged in the US.

But then I went back home to Indonesia and I went to a church where I knew a lot of friends who goes there. The decision to go there mostly is made because people dress like me, talk like me, and live like me---the usual US kids graduates, coming from family businesses, and good Christian family. But it did felt like, a gathering of knowing people, but not knowing people.

With what happened, I had to take time away to sort through my bitterness with Christians who know the BIble the most but does not love like Christ.

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When I left church. For a year. I listened online to Bridgetown Church's sermons, and I created my own pockets of BIble study with entrepreneur friends. I wasn't rooted anywhere still. And I knew I won't be able to live this Christian life as a lone wolf. I still cling to Jesus, but my faith was not as "sharpened" without having an accountability group.

Thank Jesus He never left me , though I did Him.

Jesus met me, not in the church building. But through the Church (of Godly people). who showed me what Church is supposed to look like. I know of God's grace when my cousin invited me to this gathering and I met a Godly woman whom God put in both of our hearts to connect after. I knew she was a newer believer compare to some of my past Christian friends. But her faith in God was so real that it just oozes out of her everytime she speaks about God's love for her.

She was in Japan when I first reached out. And I was just about to go to Mongolia. From the get go, she was very intentional to make time for me. On our second meeting, she introduced me to another female friend of hers, whom the both of them commit to me, "How can we walk with you? What Bible Study topic will help you?". I was stunned, Why would they want to slot in weeklys with someone whom they barely know and just me. To which they said, "Because we were where you were and we'd love nothing more than to reflect back God's love." I was awed at believers who walk with me in my pains, until to what they said, "until your walls of Jericho has come down, Tam."

This is when I realized, you dont' have to be the most knowledgable about the Bible to be a good Christian. Rather, often times, what people need is you being a good friend to them for you to be a good Christian.

This is Church at its best. Instead of preaching at people, but walking with people. These were the believers who brought me back to Church.

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So, I started mustering up enough courage to try out churches agiain. It wasn't easy to do that when you feel it's starting over, "Urgh, but I have to make new friends." Then I started going to this Church. The first Sunday I was there. It was 8.30 AM and It has this Upper room vibe of a small gathering, started with deep worship, and the pastor's wife came up and started praying. It was a very prophetic message that morning that I felt spoke to me. I felt like, "That's who I want to be. How amazing to be under the leadership of such a passionate woman who hears God's voice really well." I reached out to her on IG DM after, asking to learn more about the Church. The next sunday, we spoke again and the first question she asked me was, "Where do you want to serve? How can we get you plugged in?" as she was excitedly sharing me the different ways I can serve in the church. Over the next few Sundays, I loved how welcoming the people there are. Not only that I loved the worship and the Holy Spirit evident from the hospitality and teachings, I love how social justice ministry is very evident by how the church care for the poor and have refugee ministries. One of the reason I left my previous church is how I don't get how that much resources of the church are present, but not enough is being mobilized for social justice ministries.
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In the same way that though it took me 5 years to find a church, if you think you haven't found a church home, don't give up. Have that courage even if it means to "start over", to find a community that fosters your growth and make you fall in love with Jesus more and more.

A church should not be just a place where believers gather on a weekly basis on Sundays and Bible study days to just "hang out" but never having its impact in the community outside and the world. What about a church that is intentional to seek out those who are outside of your sphere of church---to the broken and lost.

I pray that you will be rooted in a Church to foster deep meaningful connections that uncomfortably challenges the way you live your life, but also will show you the love of Jesus in your darkest days.

All in all my friends, if you have been going to church,  and it is not transforming your lives to love outside of your comfort zone, what good is your faith?

This is a call of reminder, both to me and to you.
That our faith in Jesus and CHristian walk, should drive us to want to go out there and love our neighbors so well.

I am forever grateful for friends who did not give up to love me at my worst and love me back to Christ.

X,

T.W.