"He has already blessed you with everything you need.”

This year, it’s not a yatch party I’d hoped for, nor a social fundraiser I posted a campaign on, nor a fancy dinner gathering with friends. It was a solitude weekend trip to Bogor. A time away in nature to reflect on God’s goodness.

I didn’t know how much I needed this solitude until I was here in nature—intentional time with God (He is my most precious thought). This birthday, I celebrated in gratitude to God, worshipping Jesus in my hotel room, with arms held open, saying Jesus, “I give my life to you again. Use it however you want.”

As I look into my 27th year, I reflected on the things I could improve, things I could stop doing. I asked those closest what are my blindspots and areas to improve. Every year I ask Jesus too the word for the year; this year the word is: “Renew.” Here are the perspectives in which I’ve grown much this year through these 3 themes.

1. More.
The year was filled with many career highlights. I’ve exchanged more than 500 contacts with every month traveling overseas for conferences, networkings & events. It was the year of the more, as was He said in my 26th birthday. I never expected God entrusted me with Forbes or Women of the Year or flying across continents to introduce my work.

Many a moment I doubted. I doubted whether I’d be able to pay my staffs’ salaries that had doubled from the year before. I doubted whether I am fit to be a leader for my company and whether I’d be able to close in strategic partnerships for my newly set foundation. This year, He taught me about His provision and increased my faith. That He would show up and tell me the only thing to worry is: today and eternity. Not about tomorrow.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” - Matt 6:34

So far, He has shown up, all the time. If only, I had worried less, and knew His promise were indeed will come to pass, how much time would I have saved by not worrying and instead preparing for the gifts to come!

2. Mistakes

Either in work, friendship or relationship choice, I’ve made more mistakes this year with bigger consequences than before. With more responsibility and a higher platform, the consequences of your actions are more felt. Behind the scenes of my life was messy; it was far from the perfection showed outside. I made choices I am not proud of and I had delayed God from using me from living a life not fully for Him. I stepped in and out and in and out of obedience.

Relying on my own strength to run my life and business and relationships, I had stopped praying to seek His direction and strength for my day to day. That was a dumb decision that made me drained so quick (I was never meant to bear the weight on my own strength) and I had resorted back to my unhealthy habits—I used alcohol, going out and material things to try to fill my tank.

It was God’s discipline. He had to discipline me & prune me to use me again.

“Tamara, if you fall here, remember, God can use someone else if you don’t choose to follow His will. And when you fall, it’s not just you, but many witness whom God wants to bless through you won’t be blessed” a close friend advised over a zoom call.

God was gracious. He was gracious to always welcome me back. I was the prodigal daughter. He said, “I will use you, but you need to live consecrated lives.” I learned humility: I could never do life without Him. If you know me, I also have short fuses on people’s shortcomings; with the grace and forgiveness God showed me, I learned to have grace for others.

Not just that, but I gained wisdom.

“Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her. She offers you long life in her right hand, and riches and honor in her left. She will guide you down delightful paths; all her ways are satisfying.” (Proverbs 30

How can a young man keep his way pure and straight? By delighting in the word. Through all these mistakes, God taught me wisdom (not knowledge), but wisdom—what He would do and do the right thing in different circumstances.

3. Medical

One of the biggest thing I had to go through this year is my health scare. Multiple times I had passed out of physical exhaustion. It was last month I had to go through few tests and diagnosis that resulted to me having to completely change my lifestyle—no more caffeine, late nights, or excessive drinking. I hated feeling unproductive by spending 1/2 a day at home not doing anything. I had to learn it’s okay to rest. And I had to focus on my health—finally understanding all I had could be gone the next day when I am not healthy.
This was the time God has taught me to rely on His pace and His timing. He taught me to slow down so I learn to wait. And in waiting, I learned patience.

You won’t believe that my biggest pet peeve is slowness. Daily I would be so annoyed and my mood changes at the slightest delay in my schedule. I call waitress out when they make my food or coffee slow. I call my team out when they miss a deadline by 12 hours. I had to slow down; it teaches me to be patient with myself, and then it resulted to my patient muscle growing for others.

I also learned the most important thing: gratitude…

Just few weeks ago, a family member texted, “Tamara, you are given everything you want—a driver, a car, a home, a credit card for all your expenses. And you keep demanding more. Why does it seem your life is so hard?” My tendency, I reflected has been to focus on the things I don’t have yet, rather than be thankful for the things I do. What I have indeed look small in comparison to what I want to have. But God was teaching me to have gratitude. Funny how being sick teaches you so much. It forces me to be grateful. God allowed me to be sick to make me stronger and better. The nature of my sickness is that I can’t have immune down—and when I am anxious, I get sad, and I get sick. This is when I have to practice gratitude that it rewires my anxious minds. A truly mind-changing circumstance.

He has taught me to renew my mind, my heart & my strength so that I can live in God’s purpose for me.

With a year older, I am a lot less naive and a lot more hopeful still. There’s one thing that never left me, that is wonder. For all this year has to unveil, here is my prayer to the Lord:
"Jesus, I've come to learn to stop relying on my own strength to get things done.
I’ve learned before going to any room, to go in Your presence & favor through prayers. I’ve learned to love without expectations by first being fully satisfied in Him. I learn to have a  heart of gratitude to in every circumstances I am entrusted with.

To sum it up— my commitment to the Lord—and my lessons I hope applicable to you:
- Have gratitude as a discipline
- Honor God with your body
- Follow the path of Wisdom over feelings

It was a season of moving from knowing to experiencing God, Always trying to be grateful in the Lord,

T.W.