Have you ever questioned everything you thought you knew about life--your purpose, work, and your significance?

I will be 25 years old this year. In my teens, I had planned to be that pageant girl, build a venture, and travel to different communities for work. Much of which I had achieved.

Though I was living out “Ikigai”,  I felt unhappy as if something was missing. The cost, my ambition came with, was one I sometimes question what it would be if things were different. The person I portrayed to the public's eyes was not reflective of what’s inside—weak, tired, and anxious. The dissonance and compartmentalization of my life were choking my spirit. So, I had come to my quarter life crisis.

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During one lunch with a college friend, I poured out my heart about being in the public ministry with a Christian entrepreneur persona (I thought I couldn’t show people if I fall). And that I had achieved all I thought I wanted, but still left with a gaping sense of emptiness.

"Tam, your ambition is crippling you, rather than motivating you. Your expectation of yourself is crushing you."

She was right. She was calling me out. 

For the first time in a long time, I felt seen I thought that success is how fast and how far you can climb the ladder. Only to realize I have been climbing the ladder on the wrong side of the wall.

Another friend said, "You know, in urban cities in Jakarta or New York. These people are missing out on so much."

I was confused, "What do you mean?"

"Yeah, they miss the joy of God's presence in the midst of doing their work. I can be in a classroom— sitting there to bask in the presence of God while I am teaching my students. And, you know... at the end of day, I can sleep in 10 seconds!"

As I was listening to him, There was this indescribable inner joy that I wanted for myself. 

Such tenderness. Such depth of wisdom. Such rest.

He hinted me his trick, “Make it your ambition to live a quiet life, Tam. You can be so busy serving God, yet missing the mark of being with God. And God never wanted that. He doesn’t need your trophies, He wants your obedience.”

That hit home. They showed me there is a different path. I had forgotten that rest is what freed people do. Have I forgotten: The world is about acquisitions. Jesus is about giving Himself away. It's not a journey up to power, it's a journey downward from power towards service.

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“I desire mercy, not sacrifice” - Matt 9 : 13

Going back to the Road, required me to look into the disposition of my heart. The question is: “How do I become stewards of my gift, where the Lord has given me a public platform. While having that right intention of the heart."

I needed to escape the expectation of the world and my expectation of myself.

Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India who rescued temple slaves girls from being abused, was awarded in 1919 the Kaiser-i-Hind Medal from the Governor of Madras for her services to the people of India. Despite this request, she would not have any special mention of herself as leader, so the statement says, “the human leader seeks, to carry out the will of the unseen leader, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Then she said, “It troubled me to have something so different from our Lord Jesus who was despised and rejected, not kindly honored.”

How could I have so taken the rightful place of the Lord to take the honor and glory due Him? 

Do you know the burden is never yours to carry? We can be believers in our identity cards but run our business like unbelievers do.

If it's all about your effort, your brilliance, and your networking skills, where would people see Jesus?

I know I had found my life purpose. But I had lost sight of the Caller who had first called me. Thus, I had lost the meaning to why I do the things I do. It is when we know the character and identity behind the caller can your calling carry deeper significance. "If there is no caller, there are no callings—only work”

Calling means someone has called you. Without knowing the caller, how do we know the call is a good one? Only by knowing the character of our Caller, will we discover in a deeper way the richness of our call.

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My quarterlife crisis brought about incredible clarity to help me find my quarterlife calling. It gave me clarity to stop achieving for achieving's sake. It stop me from living a life of regret one day when I realized what I've been building may not be the things that mattered much. In pursuing good things (even making an impact to the poor), can become an idol to replace God.

I pray that God will unclog all the places where it still has residues of you. That wholly and fully, it becomes an infilling from Above through you, the vessel.

I pray that if your life is in the public light, He will surround you with the "Fellowship of the unimpressed"--people who will respect you and help you without worshipping the ground you walk on? We all need a group like that in our lives. We need people who wade through both the successes and the failures of our lives equally present.

I pray you will learn to love the Caller more than the call.

X,

Tam