I was 14 years old, sitting in front of the tv screen with glimmering eyes, admiring how elegant and smart each of the Miss Indonesia contestants were. I kept a journal, ever since, detailing action steps and envisioning my answers for the Q&As. 7 years have passed and I could not believe that two days ago, I was on that stage I had foreseen myself years ago. The months of preparation and 2 weeks pageant camp have changed me. So here, my journey of becoming---becoming who God has created me to be and becoming who God wants me to be.

1. Becoming my true self
Having been bullied for my voice in middle school, I grew up timid. My years as a model too had ingrained the mindset that how I look defines my worth. Sadly, I affirm beauty in others but never my own God-given beauty.

The preparation for Miss has required me to dig deep into my motivation, story, and uniqueness. I had to go into the word of God, to know who He has created me to be. I also had to deal with my old fears of comparison and insecurity before entering the competition.

When you put 34 beautiful, smart, and impressive women together, comparison is bound to happen. It did. I started to compare with the other Misses. "She played the piano better", "She is taller", and on and on. I wasn't the only one. One day, we had a sharing session. I couldn't hold back tears upon hearing words of beautiful women believing they are not beautiful.

Somehow, vulnerability bred change. Knowing we all struggle with the same issue, we started encouraging one another during dance practice or photoshoot days. Through the positivity of the girls and the words spoken over to me, I started developing confidence and believing… I too was beautiful.

To express that I am made to love and be loved. That to sit tall, greet others, and smile 24/7, are not to be done for impression's sake but to be considered as habit-forming acts that will enhance the inner qualities we are created with. As Miss Fiyona from Miss 2018 encouraged : "No one can be the best version of yourself but you." The goal is becoming the best version of ourselves everyday

2. Becoming my destiny

"When you are captivated by purpose, you won't be distracted by comparison", penned Miss World Vanessa de Leon to me.

It was from this security of myself that I am freed to give. I started thinking of myself less. During the camp, my public speaking stood out as an overseas Communications major student. I was handed two options: help other contestants or keep my gift to myself. One usual morning calls at 5 AM, with eyes half awake, I was rebuked by my reading in 1 Cor 4:7, "What is so special about you? What do you have that you were not given? And if it was given to you, how can you brag?"

"I am only a small puzzle piece!", God reminding me to be generous, believing in His lot for me. The end goal is never about winning the crown, it was about becoming love--loving myself and loving others.

I LOVED seeing the other contestants thriving in this newfound spirit of generosity of being teachers/stewards of their God-given talents. Miss Maluku Utara taught me catwalk. Miss DIY taught me how to dance (SHOUTOUT). We embraced, not boasted, in our strengths. We acknowledged, unashamed, of our weaknesses.

I believe, women aren't battling each other, they are battling themselves and their insecurities. I saw how united women can be when we stop comparing, focus on being the best version of themselves, and help other women grow their giftings.

This journey, is a journey of becoming through abiding.
It was this dream He put in my heart that I was walking into. It was this posture of surrendering, of Jesus knowing best, that gave me the courage to step out. I was made ready by God all these years--to not let the applause of the world distracts nor the self-criticism destroys.

What is God's dream for you? Know your Maker to know your purpose. When you know your purpose, you will no longer be distracted by comparison.

Let us strive to be the kind of women who dress with strength and dignity, and smiles at the future (Prov 31:25).

For those who were watching last night, I hope this encourages you that when God gives the vision, He gives the provision. That if I, whose voice was taken away as a young girl, can be a voice to my generation. So can you as you hold the hand of a great God.

X,

Tamara Wu

Miss Jatim 2019