"You cant receive what you don't believe you deserve. And you cant begin believing what is possible if yo have not seen it."

After staying stuck at a toxic relationship with an emotionally unavailable person for years, I finally accepted that I settled for less because I didn't think I deserved better (I hadn’t seen or known better). I had been on a journey of forgiveness. Here is one reflection from my sweet time with Jesus as He continues to heal my heart & mind.

It was a time when a lot of my friends were dating, getting married or is married. Whereas, I was focusing on healing my inner child fears and getting serious again with my faith . As I had let go of an unhealthy on & off relationship that was not right before the Lord, I started having my peace & mental clarity back. The Lord placed in my heart a longing to spend time with Him. 

This was the time I was:

• Hanging out with godly married friends & spend time with their kids

• Processing my traumas, learning to love myself & journeying through acceptance & forgiveness

• Learning how to regulate my emotions & being more emotionally healthy 

• Growing my relationship with my family 

• Diving deep in the Word through Bible Studies, devotional and sermons

• Praying for my future husband daily

• Serving in my church and social justice ministries 

• Establishing healthy friendships that goes to Pilates, travel or work together. 

As I began to do so, God showed me visions of the life He has for me. Visions from seeing a mother and her 10 years old daughter who embraced as they worship together passionately at Church. A vision of raising a new born baby at a cozy yet messy home with the husband who will put her baby to sleep as her wife does business. A vision of being able to talk about Jesus, business and serving the community together with someone. 

It was not what my little closed-off minds could ever imagined. What I thought was "fair" apparently is not God's best. How kind is He to not allow us to settle for less. 

And He said, "Don't you believe it now? That I have someone for you that good"

Someone who will be =

• Faithful to God and you ; Love with his actions not just words

• Be a provider and protector for you, your heart & your family

• A dreamer with you as you two serve my Kingdom; worships & prays with you

The above lists may seem simple, but I didnt grow up in a family where I see I can be safe. I thought what was normal was actually abnormal. I didnt have a vision for a husband and a father like that. 

My first reaction as God impressed those things in my heart, started with a defensive disbelief. It was His voice that make me believe that these are not my thoughts, but are His promises for me.

It started with God first asking, "Do you want it?" He asked if I wanted what He has for me. Left to my own device, I would have said, “No Lord, I still wanted the ones who goes to church with a hidden flare of wild wild west.”

Only when I was ready to say ‘Yes’, the next question He asked , "Do you now see what I want you to have?"

And then He asked me "Do you now believe I can give this to you?

What you've been waiting for can happen suddenly.

In the times I doubt, He has been gentle to remind, "It's closer than you know. You are being prepared. im preparing Him and preparing you. Keep walking in obedience close to Me and you will not miss it."

I started to believe it. From what I have seen being surrounded by a healthy community, a lot of my misconceptions was broken down. By being at church, I not only see type of man I want to be with but also the type of woman I want to become:
- prayerful & rooted in the word
- have a heart for the Lord and the people around me 
- committed and surrendered to the Lord

Though my circumstances was not yet as He has promised, God was working that I can finding happiness internally— being so captivated with Jesus. After some time, a shift began to happen. My disbelief turned to a hopeful heart that prays,

"I want to honor him in my waiting"
"I want to say I've prayed for you, and you're the answer & more of my prayers"
"I am glad I waited for God to bring us together in His perfect timing.

“If my people would only listen to me, if Israel would only follow my ways, how quickly I would subdue their enemies and turn my hand against their foes! But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.” - Ps. 81:13-14

Walking with the Lord, I felt the more time I spend time with Him, the more He brings the desire of my heart.  In my time of singleness, it became God's way of saying, "Daughter let me show you first how you are to be loved."

There is no longer any shame from my past from being with the wrong person. I had learned so much from that mistake. The mistake of a painful relationship I can take forward as lessons to be a better me and my future.

May all your "soons" become "finallys" in God's timing,

T.W.