I was sitting on the bleacher off the basketball court. Seeing my friends now married, with kids. I saw my friends’ husband treating my friends seemingly how Jesus would love the church. I whispered under my breath, “I wanted what they have.” It was a rare sight, one which i am not familiar to. 

I thought the drama—highs highs and lows lows— is what love is. Being in the merry go round, my friends questioned why I am still in the relationship they thought I had said I’d cut a year ago. I lost so much: My friends who felt betrayed, my peace of mind, and my hope for the future. Yet I felt stuck. 

A friend said, “I know you want out. But you also wanted something else. Whether it’s the rush, or the chase or the feeling.” Whatever it is, you want that more than you want to be out. Because if you want out more, you can.”

“I just want to be loved and wanted” I responded.

“Yes, Tam, not from any person, but the right person.”

–

So I had to do a heart check.

I have putted my good desire–to be love, wanted, and a good marriage to be my idols. That I would do anything, even sin before the Lord, to get them. I never truly let go because it was all ego–to be sure that I was wanted. My friend was right.. there is no point of being wanted by the wrong person. It will end up hurting you more. 

The way out is : I have to want Christ more than anything else. For God to be my ultimate desire and delight. And obeying him and doing what is pleasing to God become the outflowing of it. 

“God, I am sorry for my disordered desire. ”

–

Satan tries hard to attack where God wants to bless us most.
I was coming from a place that did not believe in marriage. I needed godly examples and something to look forward for. Just because you haven’t seen what a healthy relationship looks like, does not mean there is none for you. Because something is familiar to your upbringing, does not mean you should repeat it.

God is able to provide a way out.
God began sending older friends who are married and to show me what I can have. 

She told me, though she grew up in an unhappy drama with her parents, now she has a happy chaos with her 2 beautiful kids whom she cuddle with. Having her peace of mind, knowing her husband is working hard in the next room, never being sketchy, for he wants to be home. That picture warms my heart.

“This is what you can have when you meet a man who fears the lord and truly loves you. I know you think you can string things along until you meet the one. But often that chapter will not start until you end this one” she said.

She continues, “ I also know a couple who are very passionate & romantic. Yet they have a rocky marriage from the start. Her husband left when she was pregnant. I concluded they must have great make up sex. This could be your life too should you pursue it.”

What she revealed to me is that life is full of choices. You have the power to choose. And you choose what you deserve. You can choose a peaceful life with a guy who adores and respects you. And in this relationship, your light will shine bright and the Lord will be glorified.

The desire to be wanted, will still be a problem later  in marriage. And perhaps that's what God is allowing you to work on through this process too—

“Im sorry Lord, for taking away the main purpose of relationship, that is to bring you glory”

Only God can change my desire. 

I could not get out on my own. My feelings were dictating my impulsive actions. 

I was weak and I remained weak. For when I am weak, He is strong.

“Lord, I don't concern myself with matters too great for me to grasp. Instead I have calmed and quietened myself. Like a weaned child is my soul within me.  (Ps.131)

The Holy Spirit needed to work on my heart until I say, “Rather my body falls to the grave, lest I fall to this sin again.”

As a friend to you I ask, “Do you have what you need to make the decision you need to make?” 

God has made you a victor. He has freed you from. And wants to free you to. But just as it took Jesus 3 days to be raised to life, it takes time to believe in living out the freedom that is already yours. Walking in that freedom requires you to speak that truth to yourself daily. And It may take you to rebuild back your hobby, your self worth or community.

Many prayers later. Many wrestling with the Lord.

My desire has changed to want something better. No longer cheap romances nor the highs of infatuation. I wanted a deeper stable type of love. As my friend would say, “the boring, healthy husbands” who have solid discipline of their faith and would lay down their lives for their spouse.

Even when you cant see his promise yet.

I pray God in His grace will give you healthy examples of marriages if you haven't seen ones. Not the ones where there is no storms. but one where there are challenges but they are able to weather through it in the Lord as partners in the Gospel.

Trust that whatever seperation you might need to obey, it is not the sword of the Enemy, it is the careful scalpel of the Great Surgeon, to heal you and protect you.  

He is hurting when He sees His daughter hurting. If God has saved you and protect you this far, won’t God lead you to a future, whether that is a Godly young men or Himself.

And do not look back. do not look back like Lot’s wife.

You can make a different choice for the future God has for you.

“Lord, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive?

But you offer forgiveness that we might learn to fear you.

I am counting on the Lord. I long for the Lord more than the watchman for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is steadfast love.

There is plentiful redemption in Him.”

- Psalm 130

All His promises are yes and amen,

Tam