“The journey has required much courage, embrace, and strength. At the same time, it carries with it much wonder, beauty, reward, and rest. ”
It is rewarding to be in a very relational ministry where I get to lead and serve, yet never have I been drained so quickly.
It is restful to tap into God’s abundant riches for strength, wisdom, and grace when I had to juggle different responsibilities that comes with their challenges.
It is beautiful to see the result of trusting the Lord and taking risks in the unknown.
I have been stretched in many ways this semester. I was frantic, weary, and weak. I was running on an empty tank, overwhelmed by the yoke that was never meant to be mine. Busy. Too busy doing things that my body collapsed on me. I got sick and I hated it. Everything that was delightful before had turned to drudgery--never have I, for so many days, wanted to drop everything and go home. Yet..never have I been so dependent on God in every moment.
Like a tree that bears more fruit when its roots grows deeper to the soil, the Spirit revealed things in me that needed to be redeemed.
These are some of the things I have learned..
1. Trust
Trust in the things unseen (Heb 11). Trust so I can persevere for the joy set before me. Trust that the Lord is God—that His burden is light and His yoke is easy. Discouragement grew in me as things did not go according to the way I wanted it to be. I started doubting my self-sufficiency. My fears and expectations had hindered God's full work in and through me. I had to let go of control and having things the way I want--believing His thoughts are higher and His ways are better than mine (Isa 55:8) I had to trust God to lead me as I follow Him.
To be patient in the waiting
Active in the seeking
Obedient in the revealing
2. Strategy-driven not needs-driven.
My anxiety was mainly caused by being overwhelmed by people’s needs. Internalizing their pain and trying to be the problem solver, I choked in feeling too deeply. The problem was I did not trust God holds them and care for them more than I do. The seat of my heart was switched with pleasing people; I became needs-driven. I am reminded I need to be strategy-driven, not needs-driven. Purpose over opinion.
With all the responsibilities, I threw myself out of balance by failing to prioritize. I learn to put boundaries. I am of no good if I fail to take care of myself first. Saying no to doing means I am saying yes to rest; for rest too is worship. Loving people means loving myself too. I had to embrace my finiteness; I don’t have the mental and physical capacity to do all things for all people. I had to stop the lie that by doing more, God and others will accept me more. To stop feeding my feeling of inadequacy by doing more. Like Martha, in the midst of doing, I missed God. I learn to sit with Him and allow God to be with me. Let Him love me for me.
As I start seeing myself more through God’s unconditional love, saying no becomes easier, letting go when things are not perfect and accepting failures become easier too.
3. I love others best when I love God most.
To be intentional with Jesus time because I get drained so easily. I leak. I am nothing without Christ, the Living Water from whom all wisdom, strength, and love flow. So focused on getting, I missed out on God’s giving. I was so caught up with praying for supplications that I did not listen. Prayer is a two-way street. I learn the art of silencing my mind to hear the still, small voice. I learn to pray without ceasing; invoking God’s presence in all I do. To be connected to God so to hear His heart and voice. To see the gold in others and commit to draw them out. To serve humbly with the strength God provides.To love radically. To give them Christ. My prayer is that I will love better. For in love, others shall see Christ. Battles are won when I am on my knees. In the light of Christ,
I exchange my lack for His abundance, my fear for his faith, my timidity for his boldness.
I am thankful and I am joyful. I am privileged. I wonder, still, at His portion for me. A verse God has quickened in me is 2 Cor 8:7, "to excel in love, knowledge, joy, and giving." It has truly been a reorientation of priorities and lifestyle. God, God’s word, people. Never to mix up the order. It has been amazing to be able to reach new heights I had never imagined I could by giving time, resources and energy on Jesus. It made me realize the depth inside that is greater than these challenges. To have gone the depth of sufferings, I truly cherish in the days I get to be alive and well. Discipleship comes with a cost, however, thus far, the choices I make from and for Christ have always been the most rewarding.