I have been underwater these few weeks.
I lost so much, so much of what I had built this one and a half year of my career. It was a do-over. The same week I was sick with Covid, my COO transitioned to another company and I was left alone in management. One by one staff started leaving and I could not yet find the right person to fill the empty seats. One thing after another, I made the hard decision to close down one center, where I had invested so much of my time, energy and heart in, due to management issues and unmet expectations. The very people I was trying to help did not seem to want to be helped and accommodate to our business goals and direction.
God broke me.
I prided myself on doing my very best in the work God has gifted me.
God broke me like He did Jacob at Peniel where He wrestled with Jacob.
He may be teaching me a lesson.
That what I do and achieve is less important than the way I am supposed to do them.
Truly, it is in the deep waters that God’s hand, of discipline or mercy, is most visible.
How blessings followed after suffering I am yet to see. It is easier to look back to what I have built and dwell on its ashes, rather than begin the work of rebuilding.
John Bunyan wrote on the Pilgrim’s Progress, “You’ll find your steps shallower or deeper as you believe the superiority of the King.” It’s here that He calls me to trust.
Why God Broke Jacob
In the Bible, Jacob was naturally strong, smart, capable and crafty. Jacob was a schemer. Rather than trusting God, He planned and executed things without God. In the same way, I only needed little spirituality to run my enterprise. On a day-to-day, I was very much still reliant on my own wisdom. My independence often made me greatly afraid and distressed. I obey God "at the front door", but at the same time prepare a way of space "through the back door." Difficult times reveal how the very things I boast in, became my greatest shame.
Those whose flesh is not dealt with can only trust in their own planning; they cannot trust in God or believe in him. They can only fear and worry. Those who plan most, worry most.
When we do not trust in God and when we are satisfied by ourselves, we have to admit that God cannot prevail over us. When our minds are too active, and our heads are too big, we may be capable of doing many things, but we are useless in God's hand. Eventually, God has to touch our minds before His purpose in us can be fulfilled because we would never rest unless He makes us.
"Jacob was left alone, and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint. (vv. 24-25)
At Peniel, God touched Jacob, and Jacob's fleshly life was exhausted and dealt with. God showed Jacob his weakness and made him limp. After this incident, Jacob, who was previously so dependent on his natural strength, always crafting, always planning—started withdrawing to the background. He was made quiet so God could come to the foreground. He became soft. He became tender.
What God is Doing in the Breaking
I asked God, "Why does God have to break us and strip everything away before He is able to use us?”
He made me “lame” like He did Jacob as all the ground underneath me was shifting. I am brought to a place where all I could do is cry out, “If it must be so..”
If it must be so..
My hope that in this breaking,
What my physical eyes cannot see, He may strengthen my spiritual eyes to see.
That it may no longer be my thoughts and craftiness, but His thoughts that permeate my being.
That I care less about worldly comfort and more of God and His house.
God made me tender. God made me quiet. That I am no longer able to do things on my own accord nor boast in my own ‘craftiness’. I was taught to be malleable. To be fearful to keep in step with His. To desperately seek for His face, His will, and His strength daily.
The Hope in our Breaking
"But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect Day." - Proverbs 4:18
Though the rest of Jacob's last 40 years, he did not do much, yet before God he was transformed fully into a man of grace and love. Though He wasn’t esteemed in the world’s eye, He shone brightly in God’s eye and was used to accomplish God’s purposes. Here an anonymous poem of how God works in us:
When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man
When God wants to mold a man
To play the noblest part;
When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed,
Watch His methods, watch His ways!
How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects!
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay which
Only God understands;
While his tortured heart is crying
And he lifts beseeching hands!
How He bends but never breaks
When his good He undertakes;
How He uses whom He chooses,
And which every purpose fuses him;
By every act induces him
To try His splendor out-
God knows what He’s about.
It’s been a few months and I still await for God’s answer to my prayer. Stretched on all sides, my daily hope is that one day God will redeem. For He gets the last word:
So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.
1 Peter 5:10-11
I only know God calls me to keep walking. To keep building, one brick at a time. This calling for me, others may not have. A few called to be with for a season. And some season are forged differently, even if it’s just with God. And is okay.
God uses the breaking to mold us. It is my desire to continue the path of Righteousness, for that is the path I could find. And I leave it to Him, to make our light shine more and more, one day for all to see. To be broken to bless. To be blessed, in being broken.
May that we say back to God, “Everything that You have done with me is the best that could be. Therefore, I worship you.”
Tam
