How Do We Date Well?

For a long time, I have prayed to meet someone to run alongside me to pursue God’s dream. That as he runs 100% in the race that Jesus calls him to, I too am running 100mph to pursue my calling in Jesus. And we both will be running alongside one another towards the Prize, Jesus.

Yet in this season of dating, there are hurdles that can make us stumble, especially in the area of holiness. In a world that normalizes passionate love, how do we, as Christians, take a different stand in the way we ‘date’?

To be holy is to be set apart. Set apart from. And set apart to.

His call is for me to be holy as He is holy. For it’s through His holiness, that I’ve been bought, not with perishable goods, but by the costly blood of Christ. Have I forgotten that in my adoption to His family, I am called to leave the world’s way?

What does it mean, then, to pursue holiness in all my thoughts, emotions, and actions this dating season?

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What does it mean to date?

Ben Stuart in his book, “Single, Dating, Engaged, and Married” explained it well: (Dating) is not a status to dwell in, but a process to move through. it is a series of actions meant to lead us to a particular end—discerning whether or not we are mean to marry a particular person. Dating exists for evaluation

The question to ask when we’re dating is: Have I seen his real self? Can I accept the person? Then equally, if the person too can accept us the way we are. Then, how shall we date?

1. Prayerfully

“What men conceal, God can reveal for He alone search the heart.”

First and foremost, we date prayerfully. There is much value in keeping quiet and observant in our approach to dating.

To enter upon the marriage union is one of the most deeply important events of life. It cannot be too prayerfully treated. Our happinesss, our usefulness, our living for God and for ourselves afterward are often most intimately connected with our choice of a spouse.

Therefore, in the most prayerful manner, this choice should be made. Neither beauty nor age, nor money, nor mental powers, should be that which prompts the decision; but first, much waiting upon God for guidance should be used; second, a heavy purpose to be willing to be guided by Him should be aimed after; third, true godliness without a shadow of doubt should be the first and absolutely needful qualitifaction, to a Christian with regard to a companion for life.

- George Mueller

Here are answers I should discern :

• Can he lead the family as a spiritual leader of the household?

• Can I respect the principles and values he holds and submit under his leadership?

• Are we spiritually and vocationally aligned?

Ultimately, is this person leading me closer to Jesus? If He is to lead me the way Christ leads me, we both will not be testing how close we are to cross the ‘sin’ line.

In prayer, align yourselves to God’s desire. Pray about the relationship but surrender that the Lord can bless or withhold the relationship from you as He pleases when it’s not 'time yet.

2. With Clarity

“God is not a God of confusion but of peace” - 1 Cor 14:33

I wished that my friends early on in Highschool would ask me not, “What does your ideal guy look like?” but rather, “What qualities in a guy are you looking for and what are your non-negotiables.” So, the period of singleness has given clarity to my own values and principles. In this dating process, I am clear in seeking if this person, the one I’ll spend the rest of my life, will pursue Jesus’ heart for this world with me.

That when my boundaries are pushed in the relationship, I am secure in my standard.

I used to think my principles are unkind to the other person. That is until, my friend said, “Having principles for yourselves are not mean. It is the loving thing to do.”

For when we give people clarity, we give them peace. Christians don't need to play ‘games’ by flirting for a night and not replying the next 2 days. People are not a product to consume but people to serve. You can say what you mean. Mean what you say. Be clear about the process.

This is my commitment: that in my dating, God shall use it to spur one another in devotion towards Him and His ministry even more. Oh how it is waging war against the flesh that wants the convenience and comfort that comes with dating. But that I may not ruin my testimony to the watching world.

What’s important in dating is to seek clarity. That is best done in attentiveness to the Lord and in community.

3. In community

For the gardener who tends to his/her vineyard, he knows how essential it is to set up the walls surrounding the vineyard to keep the wolves from destroying the garden.

In a similar manner, our faith life calls for us to tend to the vineyard. How could we if our walls are down? Our community acts as the guard rails as we toil our vineyard and make our life fruitful for His service.

Pursuing holiness often requires that we set up physical boundaries. Physical touch activates the ‘feel good’ chemicals in our brains that we can mistake for ‘peace from the Lord.’

The enemy wants to keep us in bed before marriage and wants to keep us out of bed before marriage.

When the Enemy attacks our thoughts, do not entertain but submit your minds to the Lord. Have the courage to share your temptation. Share your activity. Find friends who will stand with you in prayer, Allow them to speak into your life and keep you accountable.

At the end of my day, if you know someone will ask you what had happened that day, you are more likely to keep yourselves accountable.

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Lastly, remember that God’s heart is to protect you and He wants the best for you.

Sin is pleasurable in the moment but destructive in the long run. The Lord calls you to holiness because you are so valuable. You are His jewels. Not because He wants to take your pleasure away. But because following His way is what will give you joy in the long run. Until you understand your worth in God, you will easily let go off your standard.

Trust that God can guide and gifts us the relationship if He chose to, and if He chose not to, we can trust that our story is better in His hands than anyone else in this world.

When you honor God in His word, He honors your desire to obey Him. if He has given His own son Jesus, how can He not give us His good?

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Pray with me,

My dear Lord, seal my heart. That no men would take the rightful place that You alone can fill

That above all my heart would be captured with Jesus and I would focus on how to glorify you through this relationship. And protect us Father, to keep ourselves pure and undefiled, for one day too we will marry the bridegroom, Jesus Christ.

For in obedience, we find joy,

Tam