Marriage scares me.
I never understood why my Christian circle emphasized getting to a relationship for the purpose of marriage. Then I look over to my non-Christian circles, who are PDA-ing over Instagram—seemingly having a dreamy and “fulfilling” relationship with their couple.
I too wanted to travel to a new place with someone, instead of traveling alone. Or to call someone after an emotionally charged day at the office. Or just someone to go to church with.
So I began dating for fun. Not for marriage. The romantic car rides, the fancy meal, and the flirty texts. It made me happy for a time. But intimacy without commitment; Promises without loyalty; Chemistry without Integrity were very, very hurtful. I lost so much of myself—my vision & dream, my security, and other healthy relationships with the wrong person. I realized I was dating out of loneliness—filling spaces with cheap thrills.
The Danger in Dating for Fun
Us, women tend to give our hearts easily at the lure of words. Once you open your heart, you give your all. That is dangerous with a person who is not going to be your future husband. The more you give, the more they get. The more grounds you allow for them to enter, the more grounds they take out of your life. Some you can get back. Some you will lose forever.
When we date for recreation and casually date, there will always be a casualty in the date because we do things casually that we should not be doing casually.
If you are single, be careful who you allow into your heart. Some of you give permission to people who have no business being near your hearts. Guard your heart (which from it comes the wellspring of life). When you invite the wrong people, you invite unnecessary warfare into your life. You can end up taking a detour from your destiny.
You may be tempted to enter a relationship because you are lonely. Or you are looking to feel desired or loved. But if you don’t solve this loneliness and insecurity, you enter a relationship crippled. Trust me, no person will be able to meet fulfill you, if you can’t first identify your own needs and have healthy coping mechanisms to meet them. What ends up happening is your partner will be crushed under the weight of your expectation. Right now, God wants to use this time to let His Presence known to you. Let him fill your empty spaces.
If you are dating..Boyfriends, don't give your girlfriends, wife‘s privileges. Girlfriends, don’t give your boyfriends, husband’s privileges. Girls, don’t start cooking for em, cleaning up his clothes, or giving up sex. Guys, don’t start buying her extravagant jewelry, treating her to an expensive holiday, or asking her to move in.
Girls hold 95% of the key to a relationship until she gave away sex. Then she’d be begging for commitment but a guy no longer needs to hold that end of the line. And if you are attached because of that intimacy, you can blur your judgment whether you are suitable or you are compatible. And remember, what you compromise to keep, you always lose.
During dating, less kissing, more communicating. Take this process with many boundaries because you are discerning—without being blinded by your chemicals—-if this will be the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Do Not Awaken Love Before Its Time
God has designed humans to bond. To relate and be intimate. When we awaken love before its time, we can confuse lust and love. Lust is looking at someone or something to meet our desire. Love looks out for the other person’s best. If we never learn “brotherly love” and get straight to “romantic love”, we cheapen what love is supposed to look, taste, and feel like.
Love requests and fear demands.
The most important decision outside of following Jesus, is whom we marry.
Wait for your “destiny mate”. Don’t just try to look for a soul mate. A soul mate is a Greek concept that your life is ‘incomplete’ until you find that lost person who will complete you. YOU ARE ALREADY COMPLETE. A destiny mate is someone who walks this life with the same mission and values you hold to.
“How can two walk together unless they are agreed?” - Amos 3:3
Be single until you find one you can build a home with similar mission and values. If you keep bonding and breaking and bonding and breaking, you lose the “stickiness” you need to build a lasting marriage one day.
Practice self-control now. If you can’t control your lust now, it will be harder to do so later. How can you keep to the sacredness of your promise “in sickness and in health, in riches or in poverty” if you can’t sacrifice yourself for the greater good later? Don’t practice satisfying your lust now; Practice loving others with the fruit of the Spirit.
I’m not coming from a place of perfection. But from understanding how painful a breakup is when you’ve given so much of yourself. I know I no longer wanted to do worldly dating because I want a godly marriage. I can’t continue to date wrong if I want to marry right.
The Vision for Marriage
“Love is not an affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” - C.S. Lewis
When you consider your future partner’s ultimate good, it starts with learning to love how God loves. It starts with experiencing being loved by God. Our marriage here on earth is supposed to reflect the love & unity of God and His church. We marry to build a mission for a better world and raise a godly generation together.
If I am a trifling single, marrying a trifling person, I will raise a trifling kid in this world.
I don’t want to have just an okay marriage. I want an amazing marriage. For a husband who leads in prayer and devotion. Not a husband who is faithful in his work but unfaithful to his family. For a husband who understands what it means to choose his wife again and again because he has experienced Christ’s forgiveness and pursuit. And for me to be a wife that submits under godly leadership. For godly children come from Godly parents.
We train our appetite not by wanting less but by wanting something else. more. Do you see now the vision of marriage? God gives us marriage on earth so we learn how to be married to Him later in Heaven.
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Ps. the bad needs to end before the good may come. Live in God’s best for you today.
x,
T.W.
It started with God first asking, "Do you want it?" He asked if I wanted what He has for me. Only when I was ready to say ‘Yes’, the next question He asked , "Do you now see what I want you to have?" And then He asked me "Do you now believe I can give this to you?